From: Camp Fletcher Management
To: VP of Camp Promotions
Re: Ongoing Elf Fiasco
Dear VP of Promotions,
I saw the recent mock-ups of our new ad campaign and couldn’t help noticing our next brochure includes a mention of that Twinkle Loblolly elf creature. How can your department possibly be going along with this foolishness? And what do you mean by “people kind of like the elf?” How can anyone like the elf when there’s no such thing as elves? How many times do I have to say it—elves are imaginary beings; they aren’t real!
I’m growing so weary of this. First IT claims they’re unable to delete the firstname.lastname@example.org e-mail address, and now your new ad campaign is adding insult to injury.
We must nip this elvish nonsense in the bud because it’s beginning to spread. Apparently some people at headquarters are beginning to believe that an actual, real elf is living at Camp Fletcher. That’s unacceptable. Just because some deranged person keeps leaving leafmail outside our office doesn’t mean elves exist, much less a camp elf with the unlikely name Twinkle Loblolly.
Take a look at this latest dispatch from this Twinkle person (attached). I found it today written on a paw-paw leaf that was held down by two mini-Snickers (my favorite, yum). It’s just some drivel about squirrels and such. Just to be clear, I’m ordering you to remove all references to elves from our upcoming ad campaign or heads will roll.
Have a nice day!
Camp Fletcher Management
Greetings from Camp Fletcher and from me, Twinkle Loblolly. It’s a beautiful sunshiny day and it’s the first day of spring. Both of those things make me so very happy.
The camp was bustling all weekend with adult humans rushing here and there and everywhere to spruce up the camp. The bunkhouses got a thorough spring cleaning, brush was cleared from the trails, and lots of other things were happening all over the camp to make it ready for warmer weather.
I had fun watching the adult humans from my secret hiding spot high up in my favorite loblolly tree. Of course they never saw me. I overheard the camp director tell another grown human that 2nd graders are coming to camp this week for a field trip. Those are always fun. The camp director also said that early registration for the coming summer camp season is going very well, and that’s great news.
I got a nice e-mail this week from Alison in Bessemer. “Mommy was driving me to school last week and squirrels kept running in front of mommy’s car. We didn’t hit any, but we almost did three times. What’s making the squirrels so crazy? Mommy said to ask you about this because elves know all about squirrels.”
You ask a great question, Alison, and I asked some squirrel friends here at Camp Fletcher about this. Squirrels like to be silly, they’re not very smart, and they are easily distracted, so you can’t always trust what they tell you, but here’s what they told me.
First of all squirrels become more lively and bouncy as winter ends and the weather begins to warm up. They just like running around and climbing trees, and the warmer it gets, the livelier they get. Also, this is the time that boy squirrels like to chase after girl squirrels, and that keeps all of the squirrels scurrying this time of year.
Finally, there are two kinds of squirrels, or at least that’s what my squirrel friends tell me. There are sensible squirrels and there are daredevil squirrels. Sensible squirrels like to lead quiet lives. They are happiest when they are gathering and burying nuts and raising their squirrel families. Sensible squirrels live happily in the woods and never, ever go near roads.
Daredevil squirrels, on the other hand, love jumping in the middle of the road to dodge oncoming cars just for the thrill of it. These silly squirrels like to show off for their friends and think playing in traffic is fun. That’s just plain dumb. Being a daredevil squirrel is very dangerous and they can be hurt or even killed playing their dodge car games.
Children should never be like the daredevil squirrels. Children should never step into the street and should never ever play near traffic. Children should stay safe like the sensible squirrels do.
My leaf is full, but write to me again soon, Alison.