Request denied

From: Camp Fletcher Managementelf house
To: Camp Activities Director
Re: Programming ‘Adjustments’

Dear Activities Department,

Yes, I saw the huge basket of candy left outside the office door the other day. How could I miss it? Yes, I noticed that the basket appeared to be hand woven from twigs taken from Camp Fletcher’s trees, and I agree the decorations on the basket were adorable. Yes, you may have the Peeps. The malted milk eggs are all mine, though.

No, I don’t think the basket was a gift from “you know who” especially since we all know that “you know who” doesn’t exist.

Which reminds me . . .

.  .  . I’ve been reviewing the new activities you’ve proposed to be added to our 2017 summer camp programming schedule, and I have one question for you? Have you lost your mind?!  What in the world were you thinking? Okay, that’s technically two questions, but still. I thought you were the one staff member with a level head, but you’re as bad as the rest of them with this elf business. I know I asked you to tweak our lineup of activities as we do each year to keep summer camp fresh and relevant for the children, but what you’ve proposed  are definitely not the types of changes I had in mind.

Let’s review your suggested additions to the summer programming item by item, shall we?

Item 1—New Camp Songs: I have to admit that, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Elf” was kind of catchy, but it’s never going to replace “Boom Chicka Boom” in the Camp Fletcher songbook.  “The Ballad of Twinkle Loblolly,” “The Crazy Elf Dance,” and the other new songs you suggested were all atrocious. Since there’s no such thing as elves and there’s certainly no such thing as an elf named Twinkle Loblolly living at Camp Fletcher, there will be no elvish music sung or played at Camp Fletcher this summer. Not on my watch.

Item 2—Elf House Making: There’s nothing wrong with the necklaces and various painting projects the children do now. Having them waste valuable craft time to build elf houses will only encourage them to believe that elves exist, WHICH THEY DO NOT. Besides, since nobody knows how big elves are, how could anyone possibly know what size to make the elf houses or what to put in them? Have you thought of that? No way, Jose.

Item 3—Elf Hunting: We are not going to replace our nature walks through the woods with elf hunts. That’s not happening. Why? Even if it weren’t a dumb idea to attempt to find a potentially dangerous mystical creature living in our woods, the main reason is that there’s no such thing as elves, and the children will quickly tire of an activity whose stated goal is impossible to achieve.

Item 4—Elf Dress Up Day: This activity poses a security risk. If all the children dress up as elves, how would we know if a real elf infiltrated the camp. Not that elves are real—especially elves named Twinkle Loblolly. Request denied.

Items 5 through 10—Any and All Other Elf-Centric Activities: Any activities with the words “elf, elven, or Twinkle” in their names are automatically excluded from consideration. This includes elf dancing, elf archery, elf photo safari day, serving elf food (whatever that is) in the dining hall, forming a Friends of Twinkle secret society, and all of your other crazy suggestions. If we did any of that stuff, Camp Fletcher could be accused of false advertising and intentionally misleading our campers for making children believe an actual elf is living at the camp.

Please go back to the drawing board and come up with some regular activities we might actually be able to use this summer.  I expect to see your next round of suggestions by Friday.

Have a nice day,

Camp Fletcher Management

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